I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life. About the future, and all it holds. I’ve been thinking about marriage vs. singleness, ministry as an occupation vs….not that (haha), apartment vs. dorm (or house), finishing college, graduating, finances, budgeting, food, clothing, music, bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh. All of that. Basically, I’ve been thinking about my life purpose. Why am I here, what am I doing with this gift of life given to me?
Let’s take marriage for example. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. Marriage is something that I didn’t think was for me until a couple years ago when God radically changed my perspective on life. Now I feel that God has promised to me that I will be married and have children- basically that my prime calling is to be a Husband and a Dad. (*Honest thoughts alert*) However, the closer I get to possibly not being single anymore, the more I feel this hesitancy inside- this…I don’t know. This thought of “You know, being single is so much easier. Do I really NEED to get married? Like, that’s a lot of work…” So I’ve been thinking about that idea, and of course I have come up with every possible reason why I shouldn’t start dating or whatever (e.g.: I’m just not ready, I don’t want to so I must not be ready, I have some problems, so I must not be ready, it’s HARD, I can’t figure girls out, like what are they thinking all the time???…haha), but it still remains that I believe that the promise of marriage to me is true. (NOTE: I will say that while I don’t think most people really ever feel ready to get married, there is a place we get to in emotional health that can sustain something like a marriage, and a lot of people get married before they reach that point, which is very dangerous. So I therefore want to be cautious, but not scared to death.)
So now I am left with a question: would God promise me something that is really hard to attain? And in response, I think about Abram (now Abraham). Read the story sometime in Genesis, and the answer is pretty clear. YES. That then leads me to another question: if being married is so much harder than being single, why do most people do it? I conclude that SOMETHING MUST MAKE IT WORTH IT. For some, this may be sexual fulfillment, for some emotional fulfillment. For some it may be financial security, or simply the fact that they aren’t lonely anymore. I imagine for most it’s a combination of many or all of those. So the final question I’m left with is this: what makes it worth it for me? Is it those things, or other things, or what? I’m not solid on an answer for that yet. But one thing I do know: I’m supposed to get married, so something will be worth it.
So let me boil down my processing that you just read: I feel like I’m supposed to get married, but don’t want to because it’s hard. However I’m still going to do it. Why? (*this is it folks*) Because my true life calling, life purpose, life goal, life everything is OBEDIENCE. Obedience is my home. Obedience is the food of my existence. Obedience is the main ingredient. Obedience is the prime objective. It really doesn’t matter what I end up doing with my life- who I marry, what job I have, what car I decide to buy, how many kids I have, if I’m in full time, paid ministry or not- what matters is that I AM OBEDIENT to God. That is my calling in purest form, and all the little details fall under that. This is a lesson I’ve been learning lately and it’s been hitting me in multiple places. Tuesday morning I wrote on my white board “Obedience to You is my home” and yesterday in chapel, Prof. Bill Tibbetts spoke on exactly this topic. It’s something the Holy Spirit isn’t letting me get away from. I’m called to be obedient, no matter what that looks like. And it probably looks different for me than it does for Joe Schmo over there.
So what does it look like for me to be obedient? Well right now it looks like every thought taken captive, every dream held with open hands, every meal eaten with consciousness of how it’s impacting my body (oof I know), every word spoken with thoughtfulness & gentleness, and everything else done with as much excellence as possible. Honestly, it’s REALLY HARD. But it’s worth it. Why? Because nothing feels better than being HOME. And exact, instant, complete obedience to my Father, that is my home.